2012 in Review: Awakening

I realize that I haven't blogged in a long time, and thank you for those of you who have been checking in on me. I am doing much better  still need to get into counseling and I think the let down of Christmas is seeming to effect me a little, but over all I am doing much better than I was!

It's the end of the year, already, and I feel like I both succeeded and failed miserably this year. I went to talk with one of my pastors a couple weeks ago and he said that sometimes it may seem like we are just going around the same mountain but we are getting further along. I think I can see that in the process. 

My word for 2012 was Awakening and although I wish I was more successful in all of this year, I think in some ways I was more awakened, if to nothing else, to myself and denying who I am or how I feel or what I need, and I think that's something I really needed. I am still thinking on my word for 2013 and I will write about that when I decide.

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I filled out this review of the year last year so I thought I would do it again this year too:)

EMOTIONAL

Is there anyone whose forgiveness you need to seek?

None that I can think of right now, but I will continue to think about it.

Is there anyone you need to forgive?

I have really been working on forgiveness in general. I think the one person I tend to not want to forgive it myself. 

Where is the clutter in my life?

Emotionally? I think I have a lot of emotional clutter and I would really like to work through a lot of it. I am working on getting myself set up with some options to help me with that.

What caused me the most stress in 2012? 

Moving, getting over involved too quickly, money problems, depression

 

How am I going to fix that in 2013? 

Be conscious to take care of myself before things get out of control. Become aware of what I need to stay physically and mentally healthy and make sure I am doing those things. Pray more and trust God, read His word more and be involved in community and try and serve more.

SPIRITUAL

Am I closer to God today than January 1?

 I would say in some ways yes. I think I trust Him more this year and He did help me accomplish a couple things this year that I would have never thought possible  I feel like although I am not where I want to be I am on tiny step closer to that place.

What‟s my spiritual growth process for 2013? 

I will attempt to follow the reading plan that my church is doing, and I really want to pray much more. I know the only power is in that. 

RELATIONAL

Would you rate your marriage a 10? Would your spouse (you might want to ask over a nice dinner)? If it‟s not a 10 ask this question “What would it take in 2012 to make it a 10?”

I think I would honestly give us about a 9 right now. (he said 8 and great) Things with us have been really great, even through the rough times. I am so grateful for such a wonderful man. We really do work like a team and I am so thankful for the gift of him and our marriage. I think making it a ten would be spending more alone time together talking and being just us. I think going on more dates would help that.

Same question for each of your kids? 

I would rate my relationship with Ashton at a 9 as well. I feel like we are close and I love him so much and so proud of him. I sometimes don't think I know how to parent him as well as I should though.

Have you scheduled your date nights for January?

 Not yet, we shall see. 

INTELLECTUAL

What are my reading goals for 2013?

Read/listen one book a month or 12 in a year at least. I think I got close to this last year? Not sure. Made to Crave, Hunger Games, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Battlefield of the Mind, Love Does, When the Darkness will Not Lift, I thought it was just me but it's not, half of Uncommon Woman, half of Healing is a Choice, just started Unglued (a little short but will work on that)

What am I most curious about?

OA, swimming, depression, 

How am I going to answer that curiosity? 

Try a meeting, try swimming, learn or read more on depression and its sources or how to deal with it.

What seminars am I planning on attending this year? 

I would love to go to a marriage or parenting seminar?

OTHER

Is there something I am doing that knowing what I know now I wouldn’t do again?

 Not taking care of myself, neglecting my mental well being until its too late and I can't handle it, denying things are wrong and not listening to my gut. Being way to hard on myself, working on grace towards my short comings.

 How am I going to fix this? 

Try and be more consistent with self care, get into counseling, work out at leas 3 times a week, join and stay a part of groups meeting, stay connected, talk to God more.

What do I do “best” and how can you do more of it in 2013 and less of what you do “poorly”? 

What do I do best? I suppose when I decide to do something I can do it, usually...not sing like Celine Dion though, ha ha. Learn? I have to think about this some more.

What other persons are you investing in? (teaching, coaching, loving)

My son, my extended family, Mom's Rock ladies, ladies in my small group

 If none, why not? How can I be more intentional about this (specifically)?

What is a difficult or troubling situation in your life right now?

 Gaining all the weight back that I lost this year. Money issues and depression and needing to go to counseling but not going because of money. Pregnancy?

What are you pretending NOT to know? 

 That I need to pay attention to food, that I am still not 100%, that I am stuck in my thoughts about having another child

What is your calling? 

Is 61 through Him {whatever that looks like} and to be a wife and mom, I am not sure completely 

SUCCESSES FOR 2012

-Trained for and ran a marathon/half marathon and participated in 3 5ks

-Feel like I became more active overall

-Lost 30 lbs 

-Found and became members of an amazing church

-made great new friends through church

-resolved/healed old hurts

-went to Beth Moore conference

-Doctor

-tried new things

-started small group with new friend

-more family moved to Colorado

DISAPPOINTMENTS FOR 2012

-Gaining nearly all the weight back I lost

-Hitting a new low with depression

-Money struggles

I realized by making this list that in fact I have had more success this year than failures and I am prouder of this year than I thought:)

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Wrestling with Forgiveness

I am feeling anxious today, maybe its because I drank some caffeine a little while ago, I know I need to avoid it, such a hard habit to break. I find myself wondering if people understand how paralyzing this feels or is for those of us who struggle with it and I am impatient to get vac to looking at life through positive lenses.  I am pretty sure I will get better but this time just seems like its lasting so long. Much longer than I would like. 

I sit and think about how people are disappointed with me, a lot and then think, when am I allowed to be disappointed with them? Am I? I value so highly trying always to do whats right, maybe sometimes to my detriment. I feel like I reach out for help and then if their response is not quick or there I am feeling left a little vulnerable. 

This weekends sermon happened to be on forgiveness. Sometimes I suppose I don't always correlate some of these things I may be dealing with with unforgiveness, but its something I certainly thought about while the pastor was preaching. He read us these intense verses, which of course I have read or heard before  but they just hit you over the head with how black and white they are. No real room for my "yea buts" ...if you know what I mean...

Here are a few from my NLV

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Matthew 6:14-15 "If you forgive those who sin against you, your Heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins"
Ay ay ay!
Colossians 3:12-13 "Since God chose you to be the holy people He loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for one another faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others."
1 Peter 3:9 "Do not repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and He will bless you for it."

Does the Lord understand how very hard this is for us, maybe that is why He gives us an incentive with the blessing? 

I am a justice fighter, I believe in justice and sometimes I think I am the one that should serve it? Right? Am I alone here? Some things just really get to me, and in this season, I would say...yeah, most things get to me. I think my little mind is just overworked and I like to refer to myself as Sensitive Sally, cause that is just who I am right now. 
The truth is, these verses are truth, and I am the first to admit that I too easily forget them. I just think, this is WRONG, this is NOT FAIR, this is whatever, fill in the blank and then you read these and you hear them and I don't feel trapped or despair when I read them, which I suppose could be odd? I feel freedom and maybe I will enjoy my life far more if I can release things more easily. Perhaps I won't be so negative, worried about judgement and offenses if I just come to expect it and also come ready to forgive. 
I think this is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. Like I am constantly disappointed with life and with people, as if I haven't experienced 31 years of people letting me down and acting like...uhhh, people. And when you stop and think of any of the horrible things we have said or done in the past that we are so grateful people have forgiveness us for, let alone Christ, why am I surprised that this keeps coming up in my life. People are going to let me down, they are going to offend me, hurt me, misunderstand me....and life doesn't always get tied up in a neat little bow at the end of the week like our favorite 90's family show episodes. 

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That's not to say that our pain isn't real, because it is. I am also still reading that Healing is a Choice book, and there is a section called "Feel than Heal". 
Stephen Arterburn says "My point is that we must never shame a person who does not or cannot instantly feel the joy that awaits him or her on the other side of pain and agony.We must give them the kind of opportunity Jesus had to work through the pain and reality of suffering. If we do not, we push people into a place where they walk around with ungrieved losses and unresolved pain. The pain is never buried dead. It is buried alive and must be fed every day. It will drive a person to drink, spend money, have sex, gamble, and do a thousand things for relief. You must feel before you can heal, or you will stay wounded and in turn wound others who get too close."

And this is so impactful on me and I think it has little to do with the actual act of forgiveness. Like the pastor had us do on Sunday, close our eyes and forgive everyone who has ever offended us, OK...go. He said, ok now everyone close your eyes and get humble  OK...go. He laughed and then said, its just not one of those things that works like that. We treat it like its voodoo that we just automatically don't feel hurt, pain, or resentment towards that person so we refuse to forgive, but that is not the case. We choose to forgive first, because it is what is best for us, but we still have to work through trust, feelings, etc. I think I tend to tell myself I am not allowed to feel what I feel when I have injustice done towards me, I am supposed to let it go but like he says in that quote it just gets buried and festers in my heart and soul because I have not allowed myself to process that hurt or pain or even acknowledge that some things do in fact hurt a lot. They show, eventually. Whether through anger, drugs, alcohol, eating, whatever the thing is we do to alleviate the unresolved pain. Maybe even depression, I'm not sure.

So, yet another something I am thinking about, working on or whatever? 

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The page changes...

I am slowly returning to life.

Things have been hard for me for the past few weeks as my depression reared its ugly 

head once again.

Its so hard to explain this to someone who has never gone through it. 

I had a pretty bad episode, saw a counselor, went to a doctor, cried a lot, have isolated myself and generally annoyed that I am not "just better".

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This is yet again, another one of those things in life that doesn't just go away. It's not like a headache or the flu, or even a bad attitude, it takes a while to lighten, to get things straightened out, to figure out what I need, how people can help, etc etc etc and it just doesn't get better fast, and I want it to. I feel like other people want me to too and then the cycle continues because I feel guilty which kicks me back into those same ol feelings. 

Things got pretty dark for a while. You get to a point where you start to believe that things might not get better, that this is all it will ever be, a hopelessness swallows you quite literally  My anxiety was through the roof as well. Any slight upset put me over the edge. I could not handle my emotions or feelings and I definitely could not handle others being upset with me. I couldn't sleep, bombarded with thoughts of all the people who don't like me or stupid things that I have said or done and how that felt like it was the end of the world for me. Constantly thinking of how worthless I felt as a person was super tiring and if anyone felt like they had to live like this with these feelings and thoughts all the time, no one can live like that, really more just exist. 

I only went to a therapist once, but one of the things that has stuck with me that she said was that I was really  afraid of being judged, and that has really resonated with me. I AM, really afraid of that. I need to get back to talk through many things, but I wonder why? It couples with my anxiety and it really nearly paralyzes me to assume, presume, whatever that someone is judging me, misunderstanding me, etc.

Some things I have thought about is why I care so much. Some of the things I truly worry over are barely worth a second thought. And people, well lets face it, people are always going to find a reason to get upset with you eventually. It happens when you are in relationship, or contact, or community and it happens, but it doesn't take away my value the way I have allowed it to.


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My sister is 8 years younger than I but I really admire who she is as a person. I have thought a lot about her these past weeks and how she might handle any particular situation I might encounter. People really like her, but if they don't she's not bothered by it. She doesn't allow other people to tell her that she is valuable or not, she is sure of it and self confident, and when someone is unhappy with her its more their issue and less about who she is, most of the time. It's not something she spends time worrying over, I am certain. 

I know I am not her, or anyone else, I know I am made the way I am for a reason. I am quite passionate, intense, feel things deeply, am greatly moved by small things and am vulnerable, expressive, etc. I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that I struggle with feelings of darkness and I know I have all of my life, but it gets overwhelming sometimes and I allow it to take me to places I don't want to be, places that are unbalanced and out of control and it sends me into hopelessness and desperation. And for this reason I want to be more like my sister, let others deal with themselves and their feelings or issues towards me, for I can't control these things anyways, there is no point in worrying over something I can not fix.

The other thing the therapist pointed out was, when was the last time I felt like I could ask for something without it being a great big deal, a great break down etc. I had never considered that, but I do feel that way. That asking for attention, love, connection, time, etc is an unreasonable request until it is too late, I am desperate for something and I don't know how to get it but by scratching and clawing for it like I'm drowning and clinging for life. Like my words, life, being isn't worth much until there is a crisis that makes it so. Something else that I need to work on and think more about.

And then there is the physical.

As most of you know this blog is a lot to do with hair and doing hair and all that has to do with hair. If you know "Little Women" at all you will know the quote when Jo cuts her hair to get money for her mother and Amy says "oh Jo, you're one beauty", referring to her hair. I feel like I can really relate to that. I have always struggled with body image, as most women have, I have always been a bit chubby, have struggled with acne off and on, never had extraordinary skills when it came to makeup, but my one thing that I can always "count on" is my hair. It may sound stupid but it's true for me, I know when all else fails I can still probably still pull off a good hair day. Well, my roots from my bleached blonde hair were growing out quite a bit and I decided I needed to dye them. I chose and ash blonde color hoping it would be near the color of my roots as I wanted  to get back more to my natural color. BIG mistake! My hair turned GREY! Then I tried to dye it something that would mute that and used red blond and it turned PINK! Uhh OK, so I thought I have to go dark to cover this pink. So I did a dark plum. It was fine until I tried to touch up some blonde that was still showing with a like color but not exact and it turned bright purple. I was so devastated after all this and all I could hear was Amy's voice in my head "oh Ashley, you're one beauty". Finally I put brown in it and it looks normal enough to go into public at least. Thank you for all your kind words when I put my photo of the new do up on Facebook/Instagram :) Needless to say I have fried my hair, so I might have to do some posts after I have figured out {hopefully} how to revive my hair.

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So with the hair fiasco passed for now, I am trying to make small steps in the right direction to help myself. This is kinda huge for me because I didn't know nor want to help myself, it felt overwhelming to me. People would ask what I needed and I had no idea. People had to make phone calls and take me places because I literally could not do them. Slowly I am feeling a bit better which makes me feel more capable and brave. I went on a little jog with my son Monday and took myself to the doctor yesterday. She put me on a different medication and I am also going to be getting a CAT scan next week because of some other complications that seem to be going on with my body as well. We will see how that turns out I suppose. 

I am also reading a couple books. There weren't too many in the book store that had to do with depression in Christianity so I got one that is by Henri Nouwen which are his personal entries during a very dark time in his journey. He wrote them to himself in his journal throughout several months and I have already found his words encouraging and challenging. The first entry says "There are two extremes to avoid: being completed absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal". 

The other book I got is called "Healing is a Choice" by Stephen Arterburn. I haven't gotten very far in it yet, but the first thing he asks is..."do you want to get better?" Like Jesus asked the paralyzed man sitting by the pool. I had to sit and think about this for a little while. There is something paralyzing about depression that gets you in a place where you feel like your drowning, or stuck, but I also feel like its safer to stay here. I know that doesn't sound right, maybe that's some of the depression itself talking, or maybe the effort it will take just makes me feel tired and overwhelmed in these current moments. I am not sure. I know all in all, of course, I do want to be better, and this is the first thing I need to embrace. 

One thing he says about the man at the pool being asked if he wants to get well is ...
"There had to be a 'want to' in his will. He could have decided to stay unhealed, and there could have been some reasons to do so. He may have wanted to remain unhealed so he could just lie around, or he may have grown accustomed to begging and knew begging was easier if he had a severe health problem  He may have used his illness to disconnect from the world and other pressures of life."

The first thing he says that brings healing is being connected. This is especially hard when feeling this way makes me want to isolate and avoid all people at all times. I am an introvert by nature anyways and being around people is not always energizing to me, but when feeling like this I feel like I am being fake or am just so tired I have nothing to give, not even chit chat or every day conversation. So this past week I made myself go to church and to a mom's event. I still find myself wanting to avoid and tired from it, but I realize isolating myself really only makes everything worse. 

He says "So you must take a step away from your comfortable surroundings and allow others to minister to you and nurture you-no matter how difficult it is."

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So, I am trying. All this time I keep wondering what the purpose in all this is? I try to keep my wondering on the judgments of others out of my head and in perspective with their lack of understanding and experience. People tend to judge things they don't understand, as if we don't see that every day of our lives.

It has taken me several days to write this, and again, I am just trying to keep things to remember  to keep account and learn how to care for myself as I go. I am not very good at it, I hope I can learn.

If anyone has any reading suggestions or other suggestions they may have used in their healing or recovery I would love to know them. Thanks again for all your support and kind words. 

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Underneath...

**I started writing this on Saturday. I still wanted to publish it because I think its important to share hard things as well as easy and overcoming things. I hope someday these thoughts and words help someone else who is in the middle, the dark, before the light is dawning again, on the train, in the tunnel...don't jump off just yet  just because you don't see the other side yet. At the end of this portion I continue on with this hard part of my story for now...**

I just feel like writing, 

writing to help others understand

 and writing to get things out, and writing to help myself understand.

Thank you to everyone who has offered to listen to me, 

it really means so much and I am so thankful. Many of you 

I have never met nor probably ever will.

Feeling like this is hard to understand and it's equally hard to explain.

Half of the time I feel like I am making it up, it's not like a pin point feeling like a stomach or head ache. I have been able to conduct myself "business and Ashley as usual" so when people hear me talk about this or even see me break down I am sure they don't understand. Or they see me when I am just "having to do life" and think, yeah right? Well, these are the things I think about myself anyways.

I want someone to save me, to fix me, but I feel paralyzed. Just go get help, just go see a doctor, just do this just do that...I don't know how and I know I won't.

And I think I get angry that people don't come and rescue me and at the same time I keep people at a distance, because I don't know what I need to help me? I honestly don't know. And every single day my husband asks me "whats wrong?" as if he doesn't know, like I already haven't said this a million times. This is not a bad day and its not a bad mood or a bad attitude or me PMSing.

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I was driving home yesterday exhausted and my son screaming at the top of his lungs because I had to leave his cousin's house and go home. He hadn't had a nap and I felt mushy brained.  I needed to go somewhere, I needed help, I didn't know what to do or where to go. Who can stand a crazy woman and a screaming child? My husband would be later than normal from work, again. I called my sister in California who "happened" to be on her break at work. I told her how I was feeling and she prayed with me and talked with me until I got home and I heard myself say what was eating my mind away and they were seemingly stupid and insignificant things. I think it's especially hard when I value being understood more than a lot of other things in my life, and how can anyone understand this nonsense, not unless you have gone through it. {And thank you to those who have and know and make sure I know I am not alone, it means the world to me}

Your mind never stops in this state, I think of every thing in the world and its amplified by ten million and it rolls over and over and over again. Its so very exhausting  And all the while when I am struggling with these thoughts, I am batting guilt that I can't buck up and pull it together. My thought process goes something like this 

"Surely I have the will power to do this? Surely I am being over dramatic. Oh I know what it is, I feel lonely and I am being over dramatic to feel loved and acknowledged by people so I don't feel alone, this must be it. What a loser, really? And now I am "that sister, daughter, friend" who deals with "that" and we have to act like she has leprosy. And none of this is probably true but sometimes I just feel like I am drowning in lies and assumptions and I am screaming I need help to get out, I need someone to help me get out.

How can these feelings be so overwhelming and so consuming? Why is my brain or hormones or whatever broken?

As I think back over my life I am starting to remember so many times that I have in fact felt like this and what a great burden I have felt I am to people. I know the right answers, I know what I am "supposed to do" but there is a huge gap between me knowing that and being able to do it. The more I feel like this, the more paralyzed I feel.

Friday night, led into Saturday where I would have brief moments of feeling OK, and then it would hit again. Like any small little pressure of anyone or anything, I couldn't take it. 

I have been trying to explain it to my family, it's like when you feel stupid for saying something dumb   embarrassed, or guilty for letting someone down... but you don't ever stop thinking about those things. You just constantly run them over and over and over again and it makes your heart feel like its beating out of your chest. I have come to the conclusion not many people can function like this in a regular basis in a healthy way.

I lie on the couch trying to remain rational and not let my emotions take control of my thoughts, but your mind is so tired that you can't really fight it, it's so busy running from guilty to anxiousness to worthlessness it's like there is no space for truth or normal thinking. So I just cry and cry and cry some more and feel completely helpless.

Sunday started great, church was great and lunch was great and then the tiniest little upset just breaks me in a million pieces. All I can think and feel is that I want to escape, I have to get out of this situation, this feeling, I can't take it.

Without getting into the nitty gritty details I literally ran away from that situation. Everything in my body was screaming for relief from this pressure, this guilt, this pain and I ran down the street away from it all. My family realized that I wasn't being dramatic, and you know, there is a part of me that feels like I have to be a little extreme in order to alert others that this is not something that I can understand or make better on my own. The problem is that none of us know what to do, not even me. We cried, we prayed, we sat in silence, we talked and cried some more.

They were really worried and I finally got in to see a counselor on Monday. There is something very powerful for me to have someone validate your feelings, validate the things you are struggling with, it makes you feel like you aren't crazy, that you are allowed to have and own the feelings that you do. You don't have to feel like you should pull yourself up from your bootstraps and just GET BETTER! That there are some things I need to work through.

Seeing someone professionally in this way is both relieving and very stressful. I love to have someone to talk to who is a Christian as that is a huge aspect of who I am. The thing is its so ridiculously expensive. My psychologist friend suggested I go for at least 6 months every week, there is no way I can afford that. It just all feels so overwhelming and paralyzing.

Thank you again for all your kind words and support. Life is hard for all of us in some way or another, I know this is my story and I thank you for your understanding and helping me feel heard and not alone. I appreciate you.

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The Burden of Being Broken

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I have been having a rough past few days, like depression has come to sit on my lap again, my little unwanted and oppressive friend. I am aware that perhaps there is something to do with the seasons, and seasonal depression, even though I love the changing seasons so that doesn't make much sense to me.

It's this heaviness, this weight you can't lift off your shoulders, and the more I walk through these hard days the more I see it as a burden, to me and to others.

I carry others in my heart, and in my mind...to a detrimental effect on myself. I realize my greatest need still, is to talk. But such a great burden is too much for someone to bear I fear. I feel like I just want to talk and talk and talk and talk and understand and share and vent and get it all out, verbal diarrhea if you will.... But whenever I am talking with a friend or family member I always feel guilty. Guilty for needing to say so many words, guilty for not letting them say what they may need to say or share, guilty for just being needy in general. In one breath this can make me mad, like seriously, not ONE person I know can listen to me for a long time? Then in the next breath  "no, you're not worth their time, they have their own lives, issues, you aren't worth their time" and the mental battle rages on.

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A friend pointed out to me this weekend how mean I am to myself, I think this is one of my main problems. No one can think like I do and get through life, its not normal, its not healthy. You see I have realized for a while that I talk to myself through other peoples "assumed judgments" as in I think a lot about what others must think about me. But this is nothing but self hatred, because I don't know that this is what these people are thinking about me, I am only guessing, speculating, and it's always really bad things.

I am trying to start to take notice so I can stop myself. For instance, this morning I made myself call a man about a condo {I have irrational fears about calling people} so I left him a message and in that message I told him my number wrong. I emailed him the correct number but I immediately thought, "he is going to think you are such an idiot for not knowing your OWN number and he is not going to want a tenant that is an idiot" I had to out loud say "stop!". He called me back and it was fine?!

I have also seen neediness as weakness, annoying, draining, etc. so when I am needy I feel disgusting but it doesn't take away my neediness. I still need people, and I think I hate myself for it. And I feel like there is a major fight going on for my mind, heart, and soul and sometimes I am really losing that fight.

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I know I may struggle with this for the rest of my life, and I know I need to learn how to take care of myself, change my inner critic voice and learn to listen to who God says I am and rely on truth, but if anything comes out of this for me, I pray that I become a more genuine compassionate person. That when people need me, I will be sensitive to that need and just be there. I am needy, and we are all, more so at some times than others. This is my needy season, it just is. I am broken and weak and well...needy. This does feel like such a burden to bear and I am trying to learn to reach out and ask for the help I need, again. 

It's humbling to need people, maybe the burden has something to do with admitting "I can't". 

It's a strange and vulnerable place to be.  

What if I am rejected in my greatest time of need? Sometimes that seems like it would be harder?

People like people who help themselves? If people are really, really honest....wouldn't they rather avoid people like me? Would I really avoid them?

Even writing on my own blog  I think, "I can't overwhelm them, I can't write too much, I can't expect support here, I can't write just ANYTHING I want" I need to let go, to understand what accepting myself in my imperfections look likes, to "love myself" which sounds like a lesson you teach 13 year old girls in middle school not 31 year old mothers. I am just needing understanding in why I think like this, why can't I just go through life having a healthy view of myself. Confident humility? 

I am not the best, but I am OK  I am enough? 

But am I? Should I be?

 Should I accept that? 

The burden.

Jesus says 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

This is what I need.

A lighter burden   

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3D Crest White Strips Review & Coupon

I don't really need the weather to ve cold to enjoy coffee, but with the fall setting in and there being even more reasons to drink warm coffee and tea I do drink more!

This results in the coloring of teeth to the color of your coffee or tea, not cute!

Good thing there are 3D Crest Whitestrips!

I have been using these things for years, and they really work!

Both the top and bottom strips come in one strip so you don't need to locate both of them which is helpful!

You simply place on your upper and lower teeth and leave for 5 min

(or a little longer if you're like me;)

 

You might not see a difference the first time, but use them for a week and it's obvious!

Today only,  you can get a coupon from the Cart Buster site for these 

Crest 3D White Strips 

in either 4 / 5.8 oz box!!

Download a digital coupon for a different product each day straight to your shopper card at the Cart Buster site for great deals on your favorite products at the Kroger Co. Family of Stores!

I was selected for participation in this campaign as a member of Clever Girls Collective.

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Inspiration Quote Silent Sunday

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You're not crazy, you're human...

Please tell me I am not the only one that ever feels crazy in this life.

I have been thinking a lot about wanting to write, really getting into writing again whatever seems to ve inspiring me or challenging me etc etc. I have these moments where I am totally ready and willing but I stop short by the keen awareness of life and its pressures and the pressures I put on myself simply because I am afraid of rejection and afraid of letting people down, and afraid that I won't measure up.

And this is where I am at right now, right this very second while my son is asleep and I am waiting to hit the ground running to the next thing, that I would take some time to process how I am feeling right now and put it down in words.

I am overwhelmed...

I want to be involved in LIFE again. For nearly two years I have had very limited life connections, a few friends, family and the occasionally outing or running, but that was it. Depression sucked me into nothingness, and although there were circumstances that helped that along, I just was mostly a loner.

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 It never occurred to me as more opportunities presented themselves that I should take it slow in getting back up to speed with things. OH NO.

I started coming across opportunity for connections, service, interaction, going places, and I jumped at the chance. And there is this part of me that knows that I am feeling better, and more confident and being reminded of who I once was and all I was capable of, and I jumped in with both feet. I think all of this would have been fine except I still have a husband and a two year old to take care of, we still have to figure out where we are moving to next, we still have financial issues, and I still have blogging things that I am committed to.

And depression or hormonal type issues have to be dealt with as any other type of illness, if I had diabetes certainly I wouldn't take insulin once in a while and hope it had gone away, that would be silly. Yet that is how I deal with myself in this mental way. I think overall I am over the greatest hump of struggling with sadness, but there are hard times and when those hit, I don't deal with them like a normal person might? I hit hard and feel strange, and possibly crazy??

You see my husband works an awful lot, he commutes far and has long work days. So I have to deal with a lot on my own, as I am sure many of you can relate to. So I have been trying to find somewhere for us to live. I have visited many apartment complexes and decided, I don't want to live in an apartment if we can help it. I always feel like I am getting scammed?? Paranoid much? Yet the problem is we are trying to save a couple hundred dollars a month in this tough financial time. So, here I am trying to find a condo we can rent for less than what we pay now for our apartment while it being in an OK area where I can be home all day and it feel safe, has a washer and dryer because we don't own any, and time is slowly ticking away into weeks when we have to be out of here. This one thing alone is weighing me down, good news is, I think we found this place yesterday. Will keep you posted.

On top of this I am hosting a small group at my house, helping with crafts weekly for our kids ministry at church and trying to get a group of ladies together to volunteer with me, and sorta helping a little with another MOM's group. We are also trying to get pregnant again....

Last time it just happened, we weren't trying at all,  and it was a hard experience for me, all of it...you can read about that HERE if you are interested. So, this time when "trying" I am starting to get the emotional toll it takes, especially when I thought it would be a one and done, it's been three months now and nada. On the other side of this little coin I am SCARED TO DEATH that everything will be as hard as it was last time, only harder and it freaks me out! So I want to be pregnant and I don't, but I do because I don't want to wait any more, but I don't because I am afraid I will be a bad mom, and how is that for crazy makin??

And then there is being a mom currently, and he is testy and I love him abundantly and he is hitting kids in church, and he knows all the words to Veggie Tales, and e he still has accidents in his pants, and he tells me "let me look at your eyes, you're pretty" and "let me break your finger"...and I am around a lot of people who don't have kids recently and that is SOOO SOO hard, can I get a witness? Like I feel like, oh sorry, oh sorry, oh he's being testy, or OH he's two....which is met by blank stares and no doubt thoughts of "control your child please" and you sometimes want to sit in the corner and rock back and forth because you feel a little crazy by how much you both love them and wish everyone else did too so they would understand they don't know mean to hit kids, or be naughty, they are just testy all at the same time, feeling like you are letting them down by not doing the right things in raising or disciplining them and praying it's a stage?!

Yes, all these things amount to feeling a little unstable, a little crazy, but I suppose I am not really crazy, this is normal, probably  ..and it's all worth it as I finish typing this with my little guy next to me saying, "hold my hand, you're my best friend".

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